To Be Loved
How to Be Loved the Way You Want: Learning to Communicate Your Desires
We’ve all heard the phrase “communication is key,” but when it comes to romantic relationships, many of us struggle to truly express what we need and desire in order to be loved the way we want to be loved. For those who’ve been single most of their adult lives or are used to living alone, opening up and allowing yourself to be loved can be particularly challenging. Whether you’re new to a relationship, learning to cohabit with a partner, or just starting to explore the possibility of love, the truth is clear: if you want to be loved the way you desire, you need to learn to communicate your needs.
But how do you do that? And what if you’ve spent so much time alone that you’re unsure how to let someone in? In this post, we’ll explore the science of communication in relationships, expert advice on opening yourself up to love, and actionable steps to help you leave your comfort zone and create space for the love you want.
The Importance of Communicating Your Desires
First, let’s establish one thing: your desires are valid. Every person has specific ways they want to be loved—whether through words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, or gifts. These love languages, first introduced by relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman, highlight that we all have unique ways of receiving love, and understanding this is crucial in any relationship.
According to psychologist Dr. John Gottman, whose work focuses on building healthy relationships, the number one predictor of relationship success is how well couples communicate their emotional needs. Gottman’s research shows that those who learn to communicate openly about their desires and feelings have a higher likelihood of creating lasting, fulfilling relationships.
The problem? Many of us were never taught how to communicate our needs effectively, especially in romantic settings. This can be particularly difficult for people who’ve spent long periods being single or living independently, as they may have developed emotional habits that prioritize self-reliance over vulnerability.
For the Long-Term Single: Opening Yourself Up to Love
If you’ve been single for most of your adult life, you may have created a sense of emotional independence that feels safe. There’s no one to answer to, no one to disappoint, and no one to let you down. While this independence can be empowering, it can also create walls that are difficult to tear down when you decide you want love in your life.
Here are a few steps to begin opening yourself up to love:
1. Acknowledge Your Fears: The fear of being hurt, rejected, or misunderstood often keeps people from fully opening up in relationships. Start by acknowledging these fears. Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability, emphasizes that embracing vulnerability is the foundation of true connection. It’s okay to be scared of being hurt, but it’s important to recognize that the risk of vulnerability is necessary for love.
2. Practice Communicating in Small Ways: Start by expressing your desires in smaller, less intimidating situations. If you’re meeting someone new, practice communicating something simple about what you enjoy—whether it’s sharing your favorite movie, asking for more time to yourself, or letting them know you appreciate physical touch.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Be Loved: Sometimes, the biggest barrier is our own sense of worthiness. If you’ve been alone for a long time, you might unconsciously believe that love isn’t available to you. Self-compassion is key here. Remind yourself that you deserve to be loved in the way you desire and that it’s okay to ask for what you need.
4. Learn to Compromise: Opening up doesn’t mean your partner will fulfill every single need exactly the way you want them to. Relationships are about compromise and collaboration. Communicate your desires but be open to finding middle ground where both partners feel heard and respected.
For Those Cohabiting After Years Alone
Moving from living alone to cohabiting with a partner is a massive transition. You’re used to having your own space, doing things on your own schedule, and not having to think about someone else’s habits or routines. While cohabiting can deepen intimacy, it also comes with challenges—especially if you’ve become comfortable with your independence.
Here’s how to adjust:
1.Set Clear Boundaries: One of the first things to do when moving in with a partner is to set clear boundaries. Psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, advises couples to communicate their expectations around personal space, schedules, and daily routines. This way, both partners can maintain a sense of individuality while still nurturing the relationship.
2.Share Your Needs Early: If you’ve lived alone for a long time, you might be used to doing things a certain way. It’s important to let your partner know your preferences without being rigid. For example, if you need quiet time in the morning to gather your thoughts, share this early on so your partner knows how to support you.
3. Practice Patience and Flexibility: Adjusting to cohabitation takes time. Both you and your partner will need to make compromises as you blend your lives. Be patient with yourself and each other as you navigate these changes, and remember that every relationship is a work in progress.
4. Find Joy in the New Dynamic: Living with someone can bring a lot of unexpected joy—whether it’s cooking together, sharing a quiet evening, or discovering each other’s quirks. Focus on the positives of cohabiting, and remind yourself that this new chapter is an opportunity to create new, shared memories.
The Science Behind Communication and Connection
Why is communication so vital in relationships? The science tells us that open communication activates areas of the brain associated with bonding and trust. According to neuroscientist Dr. Helen Fisher, “When we feel understood and heard by our partners, it triggers a release of oxytocin, often called the ‘love hormone,’ which fosters a sense of connection and trust.”
But there’s more to it. Research from the University of Texas found that couples who regularly communicate their emotional needs report higher levels of satisfaction and intimacy. This isn’t just about talking—it’s about learning to listen and understand each other’s feelings, even when those feelings are uncomfortable.
For men and women alike, the ability to express your emotional needs has been shown to lower stress, reduce anxiety, and lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Both genders benefit from direct communication, as it allows for clearer understanding and deeper emotional intimacy.
Steps to Leave Your Comfort Zone
Whether you’re newly dating or adjusting to cohabitation, stepping out of your comfort zone is key to creating meaningful, lasting relationships. Here are a few steps to help you leave the safety of independence and embrace the vulnerability of love:
1. Start Small: Begin by sharing something simple that makes you feel loved. For example, tell your partner that you feel appreciated when they text you during the day or that you love it when they help with chores. These small moments build trust and create a foundation for deeper communication.
2. Be Honest About Your Needs: It can be tempting to downplay your desires in order to avoid confrontation or disappointment. But true intimacy comes from honesty. Practice saying, “I need…” or “It’s important to me that…” as a way of opening up about what you want in the relationship.
3. Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable: Vulnerability can be scary, but it’s the path to connection. Whether you’re asking for more affection, explaining why a certain habit bothers you, or simply saying “I love you” first, being vulnerable shows trust and openness.
4. Seek Support When Needed: If communicating your needs feels overwhelming, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics and learn how to communicate more effectively.
The Takeaway
Learning to communicate your desires and needs is essential if you want to be loved the way you deserve. Whether you’ve been single most of your life or are adjusting to living with a partner after years alone, expressing what you want is key to building a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Remember that love requires vulnerability, patience, and the willingness to step out of your comfort zone.
Take the first step today. Start by sharing something small, and watch as your ability to communicate grows, deepening the love you receive and the connection you create with your partner.
